Dying for Hot Sauce
by Formerly Chilltown
Summary: Wario vows revenge when Marth forgets to put hot sauce on his sandwich. -Wario/garlic, Zelda/Marth-


**So if you wanna know the backstory...** There was this guy in Florida, I think, that called the cops on Subway because they didn't put hot sauce on his spicy Italian sub or something. If anyone knows what really happened, please do correct me. Anyways, he was making it into some big lulz for me, so I wrote this fanfiction. Also, towards the end it turns into a parody of _The Shining_.

* * *

Wario sat on the couch in the downstairs Smash Mansion lobby, performing his afternoon nose-pick. He was watching a new TV show where twelve people were locked in a house with a serial killer, and each week someone would be "voted off". Ah, those reality shows. Lucky for Wario, Marth had just passed behind the sofa and went into the kitchen.

"Marth!" Wario called not adverting his attention from the screen. "Make me a spicy garlic sandwich, would ya?"

"I just came in here to get a glass of water," the prince answered. "And why can't you get your own?"

"Because-a Wario's tryin' to watch TV in here! And Wario did you that big favor, remember?" The fat plumber rubbed a booger off on the arm of the couch.

_**Earlier during their weekly meeting...**_

Marth stood up from his chair to go to the bathroom, "Wario, would you please save my seat for me?"

"Sure."

_**Now...**_

"Besides... if you don't, I'm-a gonna wipe my butt all over your pillows."

"...Fine. Diced garlic, seven bacon strips, and hot sauce?"

"Double bacon! Wario needs his health food, after all!"

Marth got several garlic cloves from Wario's own section of the kitchen. Wario usually did most of the cooking around the Smash Mansion, and despite his gross habits, he really was an amazing chef. He chopped the garlic up and put some grease in the frying pan. Whistling, he fried the bacon and drank his fourth glass of water of the day. It took about fifteen minutes to finish frying the bacon and construct the sandwich how Wario liked it.

"Here you are!" Marth cheered, handing Wario his spicy garlic sandwich. "Bon appetit!"

"Quit with the French crap already, Marth," he said to him as he inspected his food up and down. "One minute you're-a speaking Japanese, and all this month you're doing this 'bonjour' cannoli. Gimme some money, and I'll-a teach ya some Italian! Wah hah ha hah haa!"

Obviously insulted, Marth marched off to go do something else stupid, like train. Or God forbid, read _books_. The biker opened his mouth as wide as he could and shoved as much of the sandwich as he could fit in his mouth, getting slobber and food bits all over the couch. It was surprisingly... mild.

_Something was wrong_.

"Marth! Marth! _Maaaarth!_ You-a better get your culturally-confused ass back down here!" Wario yelled at the top of his lungs.

He hopped off the sofa, ignoring the television and stomped upstairs. Wario approached Marth's door and tried to open it, but it was locked.

"If you don't open this door, I'm-a gonna bust it down!" he yelled belligerently, beating on the door with his fists.

Wario twisted the doorknob so hard that it broke off, and then he kicked it down. Marth's eyes shifted from his book to the smelly plumber that just busted his room door down.

_Oh no. I forgot the hot sauce._

"You're dead! _Dead!_" Wario lunged at Marth, but he scrambled out of the way and ran out of the room. "Run, run, run away! Wario's-a gonna hunt you down! Waah hah haa hah ha!"

Wario's maniacal laughter echoed through the hallway as Marth sprinted for his life. He sped by Bowser, who had just finished doing a load of laundry. The swordsman knocked over the Koopa, who's clothes flung everywhere while he landed on his scaly hide.

"Oi! Watch where you're goin', Soni- Marth?!" Bowser exclaimed in bewilderment after he grabbed Marth's shoulder, ready to black his eyes. "The hell're you doin' running around here like that? I thought you were that stupid, blue idiot for a second!"

"Bowser, Wario's going to kill me because I forgot to put hot sauce on his garlic sandwich! You have to help me!" he pleaded.

"Alright, alright, come with me."

Disturbed by all the commotion, Zelda left her room and was about ready to tell somebody to shut the fuck up. She looked down the hall to what was Wario stomping down the hall with a crazed look in his eyes. The princess left out of her room, shutting the door behind her and crouched down next to Wario.

"Wario, are you feeling well?" she asked, checking his vital signs.

"Marth... Wario will have his revenge!" He slammed his fist against the wall, which knocked down several portraits. "Nobody disrespects Wario! _Nobody!_"

"Marth? Wario, tell me. What did Marth do to you?"

"He... he didn't put hot sauce on my sandwich. Wario specifically asked him to put hot sauce, but he didn't! I didn't get what I asked for! Now Wario's-a gonna hunt 'em down and piledrive him to rubble!"

"...Hot sauce?! You're bent on killing Marth because he didn't put hot sauce on your sandwich?! Wario, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!"

"But, Zelda! Wario is-a _dying_..." he whispered.

"Dying of _what?_" she asked skeptically.

"I'm _**dying for hot sauce!**_" he yelled in her face with his rancid garlic breath and then ran down the hallway looking for the prince.

"The bathroom?!" Marth asked Bowser in frustration. "Are you sure he won't come looking for me in here?"

The Koopa King slammed the door and switched the sign to _Occupied_. "Positive. It's just like having a Wario-proof forcefield." With that, he crept off into another hallway announcing, "Yo, Wario! Ol' Prettyboy's in the john! Gwah ha hah ha haa!"

Marth's heart started pounding, and streams of tears rolled down his face. He clutched the wall and remembered all the good things he accomplished. The time he bought Mario that dashing sweater. When he painted Samus's toenails when Captain Falcon stood her up that one Friday night, and then they ate three gallons of ice cream together, crying as they watched _The Notebook_. When he taught Link how to do the Dolphin Slash. Marth's life as a Smash Brother flashed before his eyes as he waited for eminent doom.

"Little pigs, little pigs, let-a me come in!" He recited, getting closer and closer to the bathroom door. "_Not-a by the hair on your chinny chin chin?_ Then I'll huff... and I'll puff... and I'll blow your house in!"

Wario cocked his arm back and punched straight through the door, which was followed by a high-pitched shriek from Marth. The rotund biker drew his arm out of the door and started tearing away at the wood, bit by bit. When he had enough of the door peeled off, Wario stuck his face in the hole.

"_Heeere's Wario!_ Wah ha hah hah haa!" he exclaimed, reaching his hand through to unlock the door.

Marth, while he was one of the better fighters in the mansion, was practically helpless without his sword. So, in a desperate attempt, Marth chomped down on Wario's hand.

"Yeow! Wahh!" Wario yelped, flailing his bitten hand. With his great strength, he tackled the door down and seized Marth by the throat. "You think you can make a fool outta Wario?!"

An fiery explosion set off behind the greasy biker, sending him several feet forward and knocking him out. Zelda approached Marth, who was still sobbing and could barely breathe, and held him in her arms. She picked up the blue-haired prince, rocking him back and forth gently, and cooed him into a more relaxed state. Brushing his hair back, Princess Zelda kissed his forehead.

"_Shh, shh... Everything's going to be okay..._"


End file.
